03 July 2007
All Aboard for Adventure!
June, 1856
We made good progress on our journey to Southampton, with only one minor inconvenience when Botter asked that we stop for lunch. I naturally refused him permission, and instead told him to keep his mouth wide open as we rode, and with any luck he might accidentally swallow a fly or two, thereby providing him with all the nourishment he required. Botter thanked me for providing him with such a good idea, and then resumed his position at the reigns. Meanwhile, I returned to my delicious steak and caviar sandwich which I was eating at the time.
Thanks to my ingenuity, we made good time on our journey and finally rolled into Southampton in the early evening, and were met at the docks by a smartly dressed man.
“Your lordship,” the man said, saluting sharply, “I am the captain, Huw Anchor.”
“Did you just call me a wanker?” I asked, incredulously.
“No, your lordship. You misunderstand me. That is my name: Huw Anchor.”
“Egads!” I cried. “You have done it again! Do you not realise to whom you are referring?”
“My name is Huw Anchor, milord,” the man repeated.
“Your name is ‘You Wanker’? I find that very hard to believe…”
“HUW ANCHOR!” the sailor yelled, his face reddening with rage.
“RIGHT!” I snapped, reaching for my trusty fencing sword. “You shall pay for your insolence, you blaggard!”
“Uh, milord?” Botter whispered, stepping forward and resting his hand on the handle of my sword. “I believe that this man is the captain of the boat that will ferry us to America. It seems his first name is Huw, and his surname is Anchor. He is not belittling you at all, milord.”
“Ah,” I said. “I see. Well, why did he not just say that in the first place? The man is clearly an arse.”
“Very good, milord.”
“Oh – and Botter, should you ever touch my sword again, I will literally shit on you.”
“Very good, my lord.”
“Captain,” I said, extending my hand to the man. “Wonderful to meet you.”
“Lord Likely,” the captain replied, shaking my hand firmly. “We received your telegram, and have prepared our most luxurious cabin for your journey. We trust it will be sufficient.”
“Excellent, excellent.” I said. “Now, where is this fine vessel in question, Captain?”
“You are standing in it’s presence, your lordship.”
I looked up, and realised that what I had assumed to be a very large building, was in fact an enormous ship that seemed to stretch ever upwards into the sky, like a big, metal monolith. It was really big.
“The HMS Bastard,” Anchor beamed proudly. “The biggest ship in the entire world.”
I stood agog.
“That,” I said slowly, “is a load of ship.”
- Lord Likely.
