25 April 2008
Into the Dark and Scary Woods
After some considerable deliberation upon my part, I decided that rather than wait to receive another Venetian Cock Twist from the delectable Lady Rydeham-Harde, my time would be more productively spent venturing into the dark and scary woods, where the so-called beast had last been sighted.
“Are you sure, milord?” Botter asked nervously. “The woods are both dark and scary, after all.”
“Botter, sometimes I think you have a longer yellow streak than an elephant pissing down a cliff.” I said. “We are going to explore the dark and scary woods and find us a beast, my good man, and that is my complete and utter final word on the subject. Except these six words: you really are a terrible twat.”
“Very good, milord,” Botter replied, despondently.
“Now, Mr. Grimes,” I continued, turning to face the gardener who had witnessed the beast’s frenzied attack. “I think it would be most prurient for you to accompany us on this venture; after all, you did not only see the beast, but I’d say you know these woods like the back of your hand.”
“Hand? Hand? What hand? I don’t know nothin’ about no hand, sir!” replied Grimes, fear gripping every fibre of his soul.
“Ruddy Hell,” I sighed. “Am I surrounded by cowards? Am I the only brave, courageous and damnably handsome one among us?”
At that point, a blood-curdling roar filled the night sky.
“Fuck me, what the shit was that?” I gasped.
“‘Twas the beast!” wailed Grimes, his eyes wild with panic. “The beast is near, and he sounds mighty hungry! Surely he will feast upon our flesh, and devour our souls!”
“No-one is devouring my arse-hole,” I replied, grabbing the gas-light from Grimes’ hands. “Now come along, you two. Let us go and introduce ourselves to this beastly fellow.”
“I don’t like this,” moaned Grimes, as we ploughed deeper and deeper into the dark and scary woods. “The air is thick with evil.”
“That’s probably just Botter,” I said, as we pushed on through some densely-packed thickets. “I think he may have soiled himself earlier.”
“Arrrrrgh!” screamed Botter, suddenly. “It’s got me! The beast has got me!”
I let out a heavy sigh and turned around, to see my hapless man-servant tussling with nothing more menacing than some over-hanging branches. I shook my head sadly, and calmly strolled over and disentangled Botter from the grasps of the nefarious tree.
“Please, Botter, do try and retain some sense of decorum. We are British, after all.” I said as I freed the witless oaf.
“Sorry, milord.” Botter apologised. “I think this is just getting to me, y’know? Walking through this dark and scary wood, lookin’ for a murderous beast…it’s put the fear in me, to be honest.”
“Mmm, so it would seem,” I replied.
“It’d help if we had at least some idea of what we’re lookin’ for,” Botter grumbled. “I mean, what’s this beast look like?”
“Botter, it is a beast.” I explained, patiently. “I think we can safely presume it will look rather beast-like. Unless this part of the country is particularly overrun with beasts, I would imagine we shall have no trouble identifying the creature when we stumble upon it.”
“Did it perchance have brown fur, large claws, creepy, glowing red eyes and huge, pointy teeth?” Botter suggested.
“Aye!” cried Grimes. “That’s the beastie! How did ya know that?”
“Because I think that’s it, standing behind you,” Botter answered, pointing a shaky finger.
Grimes and I swung around, and sure enough the beast was indeed standing there, it’s eyes wild and red, drool dribbling forth from it’s fanged teeth.
“Well, well, well,” I said. “Now there is something you don’t see every day. Good day to you, sir!”
The beast let out an almighty roar, and slowly advanced towards us. This proved too much for Botter to cope with, and he let out a feeble scream and then dashed off into the woods. I made a mental note to have him severely thrashed for abandoning me in the midst of action.
“It…it…it’s the beast!” Grimes stuttered, as he stood frozen to the spot.
“Yes, yes. I think we have established that by now, Grimes,” I replied, as I kept a wary eye on the advancing beast. “I must say, it is quite an impressive creature, don’t you think? Why, look at the size of his todger. That thing is a monstrosity in itself, I must say.”
“The…the beast!” Grimes repeated. Clearly the man had lost his mind, and would be of no further use to me at this point.
Once again, it would have to be up to me to save everybody, and win the day. But what to do?
- Lord Likely.
- Challenge the beast to a duel
- Engage the beast in a bout of fisticuffs
- Perform the Venetian Cock Twist upon the creature
- Kick him squarely in the balls
- Run away, and never look back?
How Should Likely Tackle The Beast?
( polls)
You have until 10:30 hours AM(GMT) on Monday the Twenty-Eighth of April to cast your vote.
As an added incentive, one randomly-selected winning voter will be rewarded with a gratuitous link to their web-page in the next thrilling installment. But please note – we shall only be able to award said prize if you let us know which action you chose!
The last randomly-selected winner, who has thus earnt a free hyper-link placement upon his lordship’s journals, is…
Congratulations to you, m’dear!
Now choose wisely, dear readers…his lordship is in YOUR HANDS now.
Other places of interest:
Digital Sickbag | New! gaup
The Carrotty Kid
The Best Bit of the Internet (R.I.P)
The Clay Pigeon
