08 April 2010
A Fine, Upstanding Member
AND SO the Prime Minister of Great Britain has finally announced the date for the General Election, sending shockwaves of apathy and disinterest running throughout the country.
Nothing sends me to sleep quite like politics. I may be a member of the House of Lords, but try to frequent its tomb-like corridors as little as possible, so interminably dull are the coffin-dodging codgers there. And as for the House of Commons…well, I ne’er set foot there, for ’tis full of filthy, wretched COMMONERS.
Besides all that, let us not forget the dishonesty and deception coursing through the veins of these politicians like a cheap and terribly nasty rum. While I am the first to admit that I lead a far from blameless existence, at least I am damnably honest about my non-stop boozing, continued use of prostitutes and my hobby of bludgeoning of paupers with a stick. There are no skeletons in my closet, ladies and gentleman! They would not fit inside there, on account of all of those expensive suits I purchased from London’s most exclusive tailor, before claiming them back as expenses later on. Huzzah!
In fact, I rather fancy myself as a leader. Heavens, I fancy myself full stop! But I would not wish to be merely Prime Minister! No, I should rather like to lord over a much larger estate…say, the WORLD?
Hmmm…yes. I do like the sound of that. LORD OF THE WORLD!
So, dear readers, let us make it happen forthwith! Let us unite in one, large, throbbing mass, and thrust my glorious self into my rightful place – ABOVE YOU ALL!
Of course, I cannot expect you to support me without an idea of what is to come during my despotic, tyrannical benevolent rule, so here are my main pledges to you, the people:
i. Free GROPES for all ladies! And maybe, in certain circumstances, some gentle-men as well.
ii. A giant likeness of my handsome FACE to be carved ‘pon the surface of the Moon, so whene’er you look up at the night sky, you shall all see me looking down upon you.
iii. I propose to put an END to the CLASS WAR, by using all of the Empire’s military might to finally wipe out the stinking lower classes.
iv. Hats MANDATORY.
v. Clothing OPTIONAL (especially for ladies).
vi. THREE more years of ASTONISHING ADVENTURES, and EXHILARATING ESCAPADES.
vii. I shall BEAT you with REEDS if you do not support me.
There! Surely those are the sort of ideas we can all get behind, and take firmly and strongly?
Show your support for me and my plan for world domination in the following ways:
* Save the above image, and post it up where e’er you can! Affix it to walls up and down the land, place it ‘pon your Face-Book page, your Twittering Account, or nail it to people’s foreheads!
* SPREAD THE WORD! Tell your friends, family and even your enemies of my magnificence, so they may join our growing ranks! And tell them all to visit www.lordlikely.com to hear the latest decrees from my lordly mouth.
* Join my Face-Book group, or follow me ‘pon the Twittering Device!
* Put one of these delightful banners ‘pon your web-site or webbed-log, to show the world you SUPPORT the LORD!
* PURCHASE fine goods bearing the ‘Grope‘ design – available as high-quality t-shirts, sweaters and even hoodies (whatever that is), or as cards, posters and prints! (Click the buy/preview links to see the full REMARKABLE range!)
* DONATE to the ‘party funds’ (i.e my drink fund) by clicking the button below. Running the Astonishing Adventures does sadly cost money, and your invaluable contributions really do help! No, REALLY!
Now, go forth, dear readers! Go forth and TELL the WORLD that LORD LIKELY must be their master! Together, we can FORCE change upon the populace! Go, go, GO!
I shall wait here.
Toodle-pip!
- Lord Likely.
