“DO YOU have the pearl necklace?” I bellowed.

“I shall never tell!” cried Lady Marmalade, the last of the suspects to be interviewed.

“Tell me!” I roared, bringing my cane down upon her naked buttocks.

Lady Marmalade gasped. “Never!“

“Confess, you harlot!” I yelled, raising my arm again.

“I confess nothing!” said the lady, crying out and gripping the sides of the desk as my cane thrashed her once more.

“What is going on here? I heard screams and – oh!” exclaimed the Duke of Fircombe, as he burst into the study, only to find Lady Marmalade bent over the desk, her naked derriere exposed to the room. “What the devil?…”

“I believe this is Lord Likely’s idea of detective work,” droned Peeves, the Fircombe’s rather miserable butler. “However, it looks like it has gone from policing to perversion, if you ask me. Disgusting.”

“Now listen here, Likely!” snapped the Duke, striding over to me. “This is no time to be acting upon your sordid whims! You promised me that you would find the cad responsible for stealing my wife’s necklace – and instead, I find you here….doing…doing…THIS!” he stammered, gesturing towards Lady Marmalade, who was hurriedly hitching up her knickers.

“My good man, this is the very latest in interrogation technique, a method designed to elicit crucial information from the suspect. Not that I’d expect you to understand, you bloated ignoramus,” I replied calmly.

“Listen, Likely, you had better get a result pretty damned fast, or else I shall be forced to contact the police, and get a professional to do your job for you! Do you understand?”

“Fine,” I mumbled, not relishing the prospect of having some smarmy police officer attempting to crack this case in my stead. “Assemble everyone in the drawing room. I shall be there presently to reveal my findings.”

“Hmph! Well, just be sure that is all you reveal, sir,” the Duke snapped, turning on his heels and marching away.

“Do you really know he did it, milord?” Botter asked, as he sidled up to me.

“Hmmm? Oh, yes. I knew hours ago. I have just been having a spot of fun. Come on, let’s go and meet the rest of the guests – things are about to get even more entertaining, I think.”

*****

“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for meeting me here,”  I said, addressing the assembled guests who were waiting in the drawing room, chattering excitedly among themselves. “I said, ‘thank you’,” I repeated as the hubbub failed to subside. “SHUT UP, YOU BASTARDS!” I shouted, causing the room to fall silent immediately. I smiled sweetly.  “Thank you so much, ladies and gents. Now, I shall not keep you long – heaven knows we all came here for a party, and a party is precisely what we shall have, just as soon as I’ve wrapped this whole sorry business up.”

“Woooo!” cheered Dorothy Mount-Worthy, who was sitting on the edge of a chair, sipping another cocktail and getting decidedly more drunk.

“Precisely. Now, as you all know, this evening saw the Duchess’ beautiful pearl necklace stolen by a person or persons unknown, a terrible crime which occurred right beneath our very noses, undoubtedly by someone in this very room!”

The crowd gasped and mumbled among themselves.

“Unless it was a crafty magpie,” Botter interjected, rather deflating the moment somewhat. “He could have gotten in through the window, snuck among the shadows and then -”

“Shut up, Botter,” I said. “Now, pretty much everyone in this room has a motive of some sort. Pilferton Swypes, for example, is an allegedly reformed jewel thief – but who is to say he has left his old ways behind him? Would seeing such a valuable item of jewellery tempt the cad to steal again?”

“Honestly,” moaned Swypes. “You spend your whole life stealing things, and suddenly you’re labelled as a thief. It seems grossly unfair.”

“Winsome Pine,” I said, swivelling around to address the poet. “Recently heart-broken by his lover – maybe you thought you might woo him back with an expensive gift?”

Pine grunted in disapproval, proving to be strangely ineloquent for a man who spent his life working with words.

“Jennifer Eels,” I continued, turning to the young lady in question. “You recently inherited your father’s eel business – a business that is in less than impressive shape, no? Perhaps you stole the necklace, with a view to selling it and pumping the money back into your failing company?” I tuned around again. “Major Thrashing – a military man, who was posted to the Far East for many years, where the Duchess’ necklace originated from. Perhaps your hatred of foreigners extends to items made abroad, leading you to steal the necklace in order to destroy it?”

“Balls!” barked the Major, offering a very thorough defence.

“Maybe – just maybe – it was the Duke and Duchess themselves, looking to make a substantial insurance claim on a stolen necklace? Or perhaps – “

“For God’s sake, Likely,” said the Duke. “Are we going to spend all night going through who might have done it? Can we not just skip straight to who actually did it?”

I grimaced as the Duke interrupted my flow. “Hmph. Please, dear Duke, I am in the midst of my summing up, a crucial phase in any investigation wherein – “

I paused as I noticed Dorothy suggestively rolling an olive across her lips, winking at me as she did so. Suddenly, my attention was no longer focused on the case.

“Fine,” I said rather disinterestedly, pointing into the room, while refusing to take my eyes off of the delectable form of Ms. Mount-Worthy. “It was you.”

- Lord Likely.

Whodunnit?

Which ruddy bounder stole the pearl necklace? Use YOUR deductive powers to help solve the case! When you have decided which one of the guests committed the crime, cast your vote below! Do not be afraid to offer forth your reasoning in the comments section as well, dear readers.

Be back here next week to see if you were correct – or whether you accused an innocent!

If you have not read the entire story thus far (shame on you) then why not read through this astonishing adventure thus far, beginning hither?

Good luck, detectives!

The Story Thus Far…

Lord Likely – Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-Man of Action – was invited to attend a lavish ball at Fircombe Hall, at the behest of the Duke and the Duchess of Fircombe.

Never one to leave a ball unattended, Likely duly set off, accompanied by his man-servant, Botter, and his two lovely friends, Dorothy Mount-Worthy and Maud Dreadful.

Once at Fircombe Hall (and having locked Botter safely away in the servant’s kennel) Likely set about meeting the numerous guests, before getting wildly drunk, whereupon he groped two ladies and offended some of the party-goers. To top it all, Likely then inadvertently wound up forcing an olive down the Duchess’ throat.

After gallantly leaping to her rescue, it was thought the evening was saved – until the Duchess then noticed that, somewhen during the confusion and chaos, her priceless pearl necklace had been stolen from around her very neck!

All eyes automatically turned to Pilferton Swypes, one of the guests who also happened to be a reformed jewel thief. Could he really be the culprit?

Lord Likely aims to find out, and get to the bottom of this mystery – but first, he aims to get to the bottoms of the female guests, as he prepares to perform a thorough search of their persons…

Now, read on, dear readers – and remember! Keep an eye out for possible clues and hints, for YOU shall be able to help Likely finger the suspect later on. As ’twere.

*****

I EMERGED from the study sometime later, followed by the female guests, all of whom were – like me – looking rather flushed and slightly ruffled.

“Well?” said the Duke of Fircombe, striding up to me.

“Yes,” I replied. “Very well indeed.”

“Did your search turn up anything?”

“Search?” I repeated, having quite forgotten that the reason I had ferried all the female guests into the study was to search them, in case any of them were concealing the stolen pearl necklace about their person.  “Well, ahem…I, erm, probed the ladies quite thoroughly and…ah, nothing came up…”

“Nothing came up? That’s not strictly true, is it your lordship?” chuckled Lady Marmalade, sending a ripple of coquettish giggling through the other women.

“So you did not uncover anything, then?” the Duke enquired.

“Well,” I coughed, straightening my tie. “Not as such, no.” More giggling.

“You didn’t come across anything at all?”

I shook my head, the women tittering knowingly in the background.

“Good lord, you’ve been in there for three hours and failed to find a single clue? I imagine you must have felt a complete arse, sir!”

“Several,” I quipped.

“Pardon?” barked the Duke.

“Ahem. Yes, I was rather disappointed with the results of my…ah…investigations,” I replied. “I am nowhere nearer to locating the missing jewellery, I’m afraid.”

“Dammit, Likely Then we must try harder! My wife shall be devastated if she does not get her pearl necklace, you know. Good heavens, do you know how much she loves a good pearl necklace?” the Duke continued, unaware that we were all doing our damnedest not to break out into fits of laughter. “She’s had hundreds of pearl necklaces in her time, don’t you know? Yes, she’s been given pearl necklaces by numerous politicians, visiting dignitaries – why, the King of Spain gave her a magnificent pearl necklace only last week. Heavens, even her father gave her a tremendous pearl necklace on our wedding day…what? What is it?”

By this point, many of the ladies and I had completely lost our self-control, and were lost to raucous gales of laughter.

“Blast it all! Stop laughing at once! This is a terribly serious business! If my wife does not get her pearl necklace, she shall be inconsolable! And I shall be far from pleased, myself! Do you know how hard it was to give her that pearl necklace? Such things do not come easily, you know! But I did it, because I wanted to show her how much I loved her by giving her the most impressive pearl necklace possible. And it was well worth it. You must admit, she looked positively gorgeous wearing that pearl necklace, like a vision…’twas such a perfect moment, quite overwhelming. Indeed, I was so overcome that as soon as I spread that pearl necklace across her skin, I nearly passed out…oh, what NOW?”

We had all once again given way to uncontrollable guffawing, and it took all my strength to pull myself together again.

“Ahem. Apologies, your grace. I do not know what came over her. Us. What came over US,” I said, swiftly correcting myself. “Yes…listen, I shall proceed with the investigation by interviewing everyone who was here tonight, one by one, and then with all the facts to hand I should be able to finally reach some sort of conclusion. Would that be satisfactory?”

“Indeed, indeed,” the Duke concurred.

“Excellent! I shall need to have my man-servant retrieved from his kennel as well, to assist me in the interview process. Would that be alright?”

“Whatever it takes, Likely! Just get on with it!”

“But of course! And do not fear, your Dukeness – I promise that I shall not rest until the missing item is found! Your wife’s pearl necklace is in safe hands…”

At which point the women burst into laughter again, leaving the Duke to storm off in disgust.

Honestly, that fellow really needs to loosen up a touch.

- Lord Likely.

The Puzzling Pearl Necklace Puzzle:

Chapter Five.

THE Duchess of Fircombe’s cries of distress over the theft of her priceless pearl necklace continued on, which was of course perfectly understandable, but also ruddy irritating.

“For the love of buggery, have a vol-au-vent, woman!” I snapped, stuffing one of the aforementioned delicacies into the Duchess’ gaping, great gob. “I cannot hear myself think!”

Clearly taken by surprise by my actions, the Duchess duly shut up, allowing me to once more hear myself think. Now that I could once again hear my thoughts, I was able to ascertain that I was not in deep rumination about the mystery at hand, as I had imagined, but was actually contemplating pushing my penis betwixt Lady Marmalade’s bountiful breasts, and then thrusting away until climax.

Not at all useful to current proceedings, I grant you, but a nice thought nonetheless.

Anyway, I quickly realised that as I had already saved the day once, it would no doubt fall on me again to rise to the rescue, and solve this confounded conundrum. I therefore silenced the perplexed party-goers, and took control of the room once more.

“Ladies and gentle-men, as you have just witnessed, someone has rather brazenly stolen the Duchess of Fircombe’s pearl necklace, right in front of our very eyes! It is quite obvious to me that that someone is still in the room right now, thereby making us all suspects in this investigation!” I paused. “Well, aside from me, of course. I am in the business of giving pearl necklaces, not taking them.” I winked at the ever-radiant Dorothy Mount-Worthy, who flashed a bewitching smile in return. “Besides which,” I continued, facing the crowd, “I am the heroic protagonist of this piece, so can quite clearly be ruled out…”

“What in God’s name are you blathering on about?” blustered the Duke of Fircombe, interrupting what I thought had been a rather good and rather powerful speech.

“Please, do not interrupt me. I am trying to conduct a criminal investigation!” I replied, before turning back to speak to the guests. “Now then – who stole the necklace? Own up! Come on, now!”

I was met with a stoney silence.

“Hmm,” I mused. “I had rather hoped that would work, to be honest…”

“Blast it all, do you have any idea what you are doing? Who put you in charge, anyway, sah?” grumbled Major Thrashing. “I oversaw many such investigation in my time in the army, you know? Saw many a man swing, you know. What are your credentials, pray tell?”

“Well, I work very closely with Scotland Yard, Major, and have helped them out on numerous occasions…here’s my card,” I explained patiently, proffering one of my business cards at the senile old sod.

“‘Madam Tipslip’s Knocking Shop? All Gentle-Men Serviced With A Smile?’” read the Major. “What in the blue blazes has that got to do with anything, sah?”

“Ah, bugger it. Wrong card,” I replied, giving my actual card in place of the other.

“‘Lord Likely, Aristocratic Adventurer and Gentle-Man of Action. Cases cracked, mysteries solved, ladies pumped. All cases and mysteries to be directed to Inspector A. Spunkleford of Scotland Yard in the first instance. All ladies may enquire directly to Likely Towers…‘”

“There, see? Are you quite content now?” I beamed.

“Well, I…I…” stammered the Major.

“Good. One more peep out of you and I shall charge you with obstructing police work, and have you banged up in a cell so quickly your false teeth will spin. Got that?” The Major nodded slowly. “Good. Now, may we proceed?”

“This is all a waste of time!” barked the Duke of Fircombe, to my great annoyance. “It is quite clear who the thief is…HIM!”

The entire crowd followed the direction of the Duke’s accusatory finger, and found the rather nervous form of Pilferton Swypes, the apparently reformed jewel-thief, standing at the end of it.

“Good evening,” he said, meekly.

“The man has a history of stealing valuables, for heaven’s sake!” cried the Duke. “Why, he even stole a necklace once – from Buckingham Palace, no less! And what sort of fellow comes to a ball wearing a robber’s mask, I ask? I shall tell you – a robber!”

“I’ve changed, curse you!” snapped Swypes, suddenly becoming highly animated. “I’ve become a best-selling author! I have a national tour coming up! My life is being adapted for the stage, with Mr Thomas de Cruise portraying me! Why would I go back to stealing jewellery again, with all that going on? I’m making more money now than I ever did then!”

“Maybe you stole my wife’s necklace to set yourself up for your book’s follow-up!” exclaimed the Duke.

“Why you puffed-up piece of…” snarled Swypes, clenching his fists.

“Gentlemen, gentlemen,” I interjected. “Please, we do not want any violence here, unless it is being administered by my own fair hand. As far as I am concerned, everyone is a suspect until I have concluded my investigations. Even you, Your Grace,” I said, addressing the Duke.

“What? You have a nerve, Likely!”

“For all I know this could be an insurance scam or some such…no-one is above suspicion, I am afraid. Except me, as I’ve already stated. Now, shall we stop bickering, and commence the investigation?”

“Fine,” snorted the Duke.

“Rightio. Well, it occurs to me that if the culprit is still in this very room, then it must follow that the necklace is still here as well. I propose we have a thorough search of the guests…may I suggest that I take the ladies?”

- Lord Likely.

The Puzzling Pearl Necklace Puzzle is a Which Ruddy Bastard Did It? mystery, meaning that YOU can also partake in the mystery! Read carefully, dear readers, for their shall be clues and hints aplenty, and when the time comes to reveal the bounder responsible for the crime, YOU will be able to thrust forward your own suggestions as to the identity of the culprit, and see if you have what it takes to be an astonishing adventurer!

Please, keep your eyes peeled and your genitals scrubbed…