Moustache No.10: ‘The Snooty’
Taken from ‘Lord Likely’s Extra-Ordinary Inter-Active Moustache-O-Rama‘.

FOR THE tenth entry in my ‘Moustache-A-Day Movember Marathon‘, I’ve elected to go for a face-fuzz fashion designed for the gentle-man with a penchant for looking down his nose at the filthy, pitiful under-classes - to whit, ANY right-thinking gentle-man!

‘The Snooty’ lends a rather disdainful air to a chap’s face, the drooping ends making it seem like one’s very moustache has wilted with disgust when confronted with those grubby commoners.

In addition, the manner in which this particular moustache drapes over the mouth means it is perfect for making disparaging remarks about poor people, without them being able to see your lips move – particularly useful when faced with one of those extremely well-built commoners with shaved heads who delight in stomping heads in with their boots. Thanks to the Snooty, one can loudly proclaim such individuals to be ‘cretinous, thick-skulled Neanderthals with all the social grace of  a turd’, and then blame it on the fellow next to you. The perfect crime! Ha-ha!

- Lord Likely.

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Moustache No.9: ‘The Spunkleford.’
Taken from ‘Lord Likely’s Extra-Ordinary Inter-Active Moustache-O-Rama‘.

TODAY’S ENTRY in my ‘Moustache-A-Day Movember Marathon‘ is a style suited best to the old-fashioned, befuddled and rather inept among you – ‘The Spunkleford’, named after my old-fashioned, befuddled and rather inept acquaintance, Inspector Albert Spunkleford, of Scotland Yard.

Like its namesake, ‘The Spunkleford’ is large, hairy, irritating and constantly gets in the way. That being said, despite Inspector Spunkleford’s myriad short-comings, he does seem inexplicably popular among readers of my fine journals, which is why I thought this’d be a good time to share with you some of Spunkleford’s more inept episodes, to hopefully prove to you all that he really is a bumbling twat-pole of the highest order.

The Peculiar Prostitute Predicament: Spunkleford’s first appearance in my tales, where he debuts in an entirely unconvincing disguise, the fool.

The Riddle of the Runaway Romanov: Wherein Spunkleford puts a warrant out for my arrest, the absolute arse-pipe.

Lord Likely and the Bloody Nuisances: In which Spunkleford’s wife is kidnapped by blood-sucking bastards, and the inspector attempts to rescue her.

The Filching Fog of Finsbury Park: An astonishing audio adventure, wherein you can actually HEAR Spunkleford as he blusters and bumbles his way through one of my otherwise marvellous mysteries.

So, there you have it. The Spunkleford – ridiculous looking, and fantastically dense. I need say no more.

- Lord Likely.

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Moustache No.8: ‘The Pessimist’
Taken from ‘Lord Likely’s Extra-Ordinary Inter-Active Moustache-O-Rama‘.

THE EIGHTH entry in my ‘Moustache-A-Day Movember Marathon‘ is one for those for whom the glass is always half-empty, never half-full.

‘The Pessimist’ is the style of choice for any self-respecting pessimist, although I am well aware that finding a pessimist with any degree of self-respect is about as probable as finding a lemming with a sense of self-preservation.

Anyway, this moustache is perfect for those of a pessimistic nature; its sullen, morose appearance echoing the bearer’s own continued dismay, like a hairy lip set in a constant grimace of despair.

And for anyone wondering – my glass is neither half-empty, nor half-full. It is kept topped up CONTINUOUSLY, lest my man-servant receive a sharp boot to the ball-bag.

- Lord Likely.

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Moustache No.7: ‘The Surrealist’
Taken from ‘Lord Likely’s Extra-Ordinary Inter-Active Moustache-O-Rama‘.

IF LOOKING at melted clocks and extremely long-legged giraffes is your idea of fun, then today’s entry in my ‘Moustache-A-Day Movember Marathon‘ is most definitely for you, you strange, disturbed individual.

‘The Surrealist’ is the perfect style for any gent who tends toward the unnatural and deranged, and allows you to advertise your wacky nature with its gravity-defying upward curves, showing all and sundry that you hold no truck with the laws of physics and are not one for conformity, no matter how blatantly ridiculous it makes you look.

And after you have finished displaying your utter daftness, you can dip the tips in paint, stand on your head, and maybe draw a picture of an owl with a long, wibbly-wobbly neck, or a cat with wings. YOU FREAK.

- Lord Likely.

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Moustache No.6: ‘The Pythagoras’
Taken from ‘Lord Likely’s Extra-Ordinary Inter-Active Moustache-O-Rama‘.

As my MAGNIFICENT ‘Moustache-A-Day Movember Marathon‘ continues apace, I thought I’d share with you one of my most disliked moustache styles, one that makes me wish to vomit profusely upon the faces of all those who wear it.

So, I present to you ‘The Pythagoras’.

Just look at it, dear readers, have you e’er seen such a vile and tedious-looking display of facial hair before? So carefully and mathematically designed, probably with the aid of set-squares and protractors. This moustache isn’t grown, it is FORMULATED. Probably by tedious little men who sew name-labels into their socks and prophylactics. Probably ACCOUNTANTS.

It is an insipid and joyless little ‘tash, and I DESPISE it.

EURGH.

- Lord Likely.

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Moustache No.5: ‘The Tit-Tickler’
Taken from ‘Lord Likely’s Extra-Ordinary Inter-Active Moustache-O-Rama‘.

AS THE weekend is nearly ‘pon us, I thought that today’s ‘tash for my ‘Moustache-A-Day Movember Marathon‘ should be a fun one,  suited to all the weekend revellers among you!

And so I give you ‘The Tit-Tickler‘, ladies and gentle-men! This fun little number is obviously a rather more light-hearted and faintly ludicrous style, but nonetheless it is still guaranteed to bring a smile to many a party-goer’s face due to it’s overwhelmingly amusing appearance! Ho-ho!

And, of course, it can also bring a smile to any lady’s face too, as it is perfectly designed to tickle the busty substances of any woman, giving her a little laugh and thus acting as the perfect ice-breaker, after which you can then seduce her and charm her into bed wherein you grab her firmly with both hands and force your tumescent tally-whacker roughly into her and thrust deeply and fiercely and…

Ahem. Apologies. I got rather carried away, there.

The Tit-Tickler, ladies and gentle-men! Ahem.

- Lord Likely.

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Moustache No.4: ‘Bugger’s Grips’
Taken from ‘Lord Likely’s Extra-Ordinary Inter-Active Moustache-O-Rama‘.

FOR today’s instalment in my marvellous ‘Moustache-A-Day Movember Marathon‘, I have elected to select a style suitable for those gentle-men of a distinctly ‘lavender’ hue. Gentle-men who prefer the company of other gentle-men. Those who prefer to ride bare-back up Gay Mountain. Those who practice the ‘Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name, But Will Shout It Out Loud Whilst Sporting A Fetching Multi-Coloured Headdress’. Yes, I refer to homosexuals (and not Red Indians, as you may have thought).

Anyway, today’s moustache-style is the ‘Bugger’s Grips‘, much favoured by those in the arse-ploughing community. Not only does it look splendid and grand, and thus easily attracts a potential mate in much the same way as a stag’s proud antlers, but it may also be used in the bed-room as an aid to hold on to whilst pushing the pink torpedo up the dirty launch-deck.

Furthermore, it allows the wearer to proudly show that he does indeed bat for the other (terribly queer) team without having to actually say a word, which is surely a boon in these awfully illiberal times. HUZZAH!

- Lord Likely.

LIKED today’s ‘tash? Then please DONATE to Likely for Movember! And be here tomorrow for another Magnificent Moustache!

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Moustache No.3: ‘The Bastard’
Taken from ‘Lord Likely’s Extra-Ordinary Inter-Active Moustache-O-Rama‘.

THE THIRD moustache for my ‘Moustache-A-Day Movember Marathon‘ is a cheeky little number I like to call ‘The Bastard’ (pictured ‘pon my top lip in the picture above).

This particular style is well-suited to any villains out there, as it automatically lends a dastardly, evil air to the bearer. Furthermore, the long, curled sides are perfect for twiddling in a devious manner whilst tying a damsel to a rail-way line and indulging in a spot of diabolical gloating.

A word of warning, however – be careful not to grow the moustache TOO long, as there is then a real danger of it getting entangled in the rail tracks, or getting caught up in the rope tied around the lady in question, leading to both you and your hapless victim winding up as a smear ‘pon the tracks when the 8.15 from Manchester comes trundling past. (Unless you are both saved by a dashing hero such as myself, of course!)

The Bastard, then – perfect for ANY bastard.

- Lord Likely.

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Be here tomorrow for another Magnificent Moustache!

Moustache No.2: ‘The Ringmaster’
Taken from ‘Lord Likely’s Extra-Ordinary Inter-Active Moustache-O-Rama‘.

THE SECOND moustache for my ‘Moustache-A-Day Movember Marathon‘ is the Ringmaster, which you can see me proudly sporting above.

As the name suggests, the Ringmaster is the perfect ‘tash for the show-man, the fellow who wishes to stand out and remain the centre of attention where’er he goes, its size and fullness drawing admiring glances from all and sundry.

Furthermore, as its name also suggests, it provides some extra delight to a lady, should you happen to be tonguing her anus while wearing it.

The Ringmaster, ladies and gentle-men! HUZZAH!

- Lord Likely.

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Be here tomorrow for another Magnificent Moustache!

Moustache No.1: ‘Absolute Ruddy Perfection’
Taken from ‘Lord Likely’s Extra-Ordinary Inter-Active Moustache-O-Rama‘.

“A MAN without a moustache is like a pub without beer – sorely lacking, and more than a little sickening,” so said a wise man. Who was that wise man? ME, just then. Honestly, are you not paying attention?

Of course, I myself am most assuredly not lacking in the moustache department, having sported a fine soup-strainer for my entire life (which certainly took my mother quite by surprise during childbirth). I mean, just LOOK at my moustache, dear readers. I mean, REALLY look at it. Examine each and every hair closely, and revel in the magnificence and perfection of my top-lip topiary. Is it not the finest moustache you have ever seen?

Not only does it LOOK tremendous (and not only does it tickle many a lady’s fancy!), but my moustache is also a valuable WEAPON, a weapon which I shall turn to the greater good this month, as I attempt to take down that tumorous toe-rag CANCER, using nothing more than my fine, facial fuzz!

I shall be showcasing a selection of my myriad moustaches every day of the week for the rest of the month (that is a moustache a day for twenty-two days, chums!) along with a little back-story or history about the chosen style. Should you like the day’s selection (as you undoubtedly shall), then all I ask is that you simply donate a small sum to my charity fund-raising efforts for ‘Movember’, so that through the money raised we may DEFEAT that cad cancer once and for all, or at least give it a dashed good DRUBBING!

As the old saying goes, ‘a moustache a day keeps the tumours at bay!’

Of course, if YOU think you can sport a better moustache (you cannot, by the way), then why not grow your own and set up your own fund-raising account? ‘Tis for a good cause, after all! And if you DO grow a particularly magnificent moustache, why not share it with me so I might share it with the world, and judge it for myself? Alternatively, if you are so pitifully inept at growing facial hair, you can use my Moustache-O-Rama to create a new look for my glorious self, and send that along.

Send your own moustachioed masterpieces to hislordship@lordlikely.com, or deliver them to me via the Twittering Device or my page in the Book of Many Faces. The very best one shall win a PRIZE, no less! A prize of inestimable worth!

So, there you have it. Let us join together, and with our moustaches bristling with pride, perhaps we can help defeat cancer once and for ruddy all – and looked DAMNABLY HANDSOME while doing so!

HUZZAH!

- Lord Likely.

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